Everyone Nose

Anybody that nose me (hehe) knows that I love Jew bitches for a lot of reasons. I only know one that I can truly quantify though.

Not the, "I think I left the oven on" look on her dumb face but that fuuuhhuuucking thing that protrudes from it. Holy shit. I think I've jerked off to this photo so many times I might have to pay royalties. 

#YesAllNoses

I have a thing for noses. I've lobbied on behalf of noses making a face better or worse for years. I've been ridiculed, roasted and rebuffed from making my case for as long as the nose on this bitch. But in the words of those niglets from the Apple Jacks commercials, "My dick beats to what it likes."

Now it's not just Jew bitches that I love but all bitches. Italian bitches, Turkish bitches, Russian bitches... All of those sandy middle east, eastern Europe, used-to-be-Soviet bloc fucking wastelands that produce goddamn gold in women and scientists... Yeah. Those bitches. 

Some would argue that the woman above is objectively beautiful without the big nose. Some would argue that she would actually be MORE beautiful with a smaller nose. For them I say "Go fuck yourself." As far as I know no one openly talks about a nose's role in how attractive it makes a face. The only circumstances occur when they mention how it subtracts from the beauty.

I'm here to let you know that we can talk about it. A big nose is seen as a slight. As if the small and delicate noses put one in a higher caste. Well I hope so. I hope all the big nosed bitches hate their face so much that they saunter sadly to me so I can fuck it. You're welcome.

Unfortunately that is not the case. Introducing FuckYeahBigNoses.

Well fuck. There goes my plan. Men and women banding together to love their faces in spite of adversity? Oh joy.  The good news is they won't be getting nose jobs any time soon and have provided me with hours of jerk off material. Winning.

Why I Jerk to This

It takes a boring face and adds character? Gives volume to the attractiveness like Pantene Pro V? I don't fuckin know, man, but here's a collection of what I mean when I say "big nose". 

Ex. Jerked to this like thirty times before I even met her.

I've jerked off to the Facebook profile of your sister, your mother, your girlfriend, your soccer captain, your priest and your dog trainer if they even remotely look like this. I'm not ashamed and you big nosed bitches shouldn't be either.



*If anyone is struggling with their love of noses and needs support during this tough time, please reach out to me and I will guide you to acceptance. 
**If anyone is struggling with loving their face and the large, seemingly unattractive nose that occupies it, please reach out to my dick and I will help you with it.
***To see the collection of noses that I jerk off to, holler at ya boy and we'll trade like Pokemon cards. 

Fight Night

With Dillashaw/Cruz on UFC Fight Night just around the corner, I have some catching up to do.

Before any main event where two fighters who I've never heard of (most) are about to engage, I search UFC.tv to watch a few bouts. When it's game time I can fanboy like I've followed them since high school wrestling. Also important are the co-main events and sometimes the other schmucks that can be entertaining as well. I guess.

Looking at a fight card is usually an exercise in futility because, well, I don't know who the fuck they are. Occasionally though I strike gold.

Who dey?

Tony Ferguson is a beast and Dhiego Lima can be great with the right training. Rousey is the obvious appeal against Zingano, headlining the event. However that Pennington/Holm matchup is an intriguing one even though I've never seen them fight. But why?

The Preacher's Daughter and Dat Ass

Oh wait. That's why. 

That's UFC Bantamweight Champion Holly Holm, dickface. But that's before the title shot and the swift kick to the dome that broke Vegas. Nobody knew who she was. I didn't care about belts or any of that shit. I just saw her prancing around in those pink boy shorts with that jiggly athletic freckled pasty white ass and quickly found out. I lit candle, turned off light, grabbed Johnson's baby oil for my Johnson then I went to work for three rounds. Just. Like. She did.

I think Joe Rogan knows why too.

Dillashaw/Cruz has zero women on the card. I'll keep my pants on for that one. However that doesn't mean I won't (read: doing right now) search Holly Holm fights and wax my wood to a few of them before this evening's bout.

Why I Jerk to This Shit

1. They're Athletes: Go to Google images and type "women's volleyball". Prepare lube. They're hot. Go the the gym and try not to stare and the hoe on the stairmaster. You'll lose. You cannot. Working out takes a good body and makes it better, eliminates the useless, unappealing bits and accentuates the good bits. In the case of Holly Holm, the jiggly bits. 

I often play co-ed sports. In the winter I wear long johns and sleeves. In the summer I wear long johns. No sleeves. I'm not even cold. Just gotta hide that erection. Come to a game. If I ever drop a pass in flag football, take a look at the other team's women. I probably am too hence why I dropped that shit. Athletic women hands down are the bees knees. And tits. And ass.

2. It's Not Sexual: Subtlety has its place in sexual arousal. Part of it is creativity. Prepackaged sexuality has no room for your filth to go off on its own and explore regions you didn't even know you had. It takes away your necessity to fantasize. Few things get my dick to stand in attention more than a hot bitch just showing up and being quietly hot. At work the other day some hoe gave me a hug and I swear I became Superman for like ten seconds and took that created image to the spank bank as vivid as if I just saw her in Playboy. Bitch had like a burka on or something. Just long legs and...

These women aren't trying to be sexy. They're just fighting. In MMA when a girl grapples another girl against the fence and her muscles tense to push her opponent away, she can't stop to think, "I wonder how my butt looks in these shorts," or she'll get punched in the face, but I can. Grapple on, shorty. That ass looks tight. Literally. 

3. Aggression: Two women locked in a cage, fighting. Good lord. I love it when little white girls call me nigger. If that's not aggressive I don't know what is. Two goal oriented women meeting each other to physically settle a score with excellent cardio and strength? Noms. Don't believe me? Ask the athletes. Sculpt two bodies, give them a mission to destroy one another and place them in scanties while focusing all of your camera power on them and, whew, I'll have a damn good time stroking to those hoes in the ring.

...And out of it.

Race to the Bottom

In this jerk off session I became a huge savage buuuut I'm pretty sure that's what Erika wanted.

Or maybe not.

I'm cumming just looking at it. No. Seriously. My dick has skipped the filling up phase and moved straight to pre cum. If I think hard enough about this little slut in the cotton field with her stupid slut friend with all that Marge Simpsony colored skin calling me a nigg... Sorry. I got carried away.

Let's get right to it before you call the ACLU on me. Don't bother with the NAACP. My Black card was revoked years ago.

Why I Jerked To This

1. She's Cute: This isn't a duh moment. We jerk to anything that's cute. However, a large part of what I explain next is centered around this.

2. Innocence/Youth: At 20 this bitch isn't really that innocent but she's close enough. Her age is that of exploration, nonsense, and a lack of accountability. A woman at 30 has more than likely seen every MLK documentary produced and is not apt to say ridiculous things without thinking of the possibility of consequence.

Not these young hoes. They just stopped watching Seseame Street yesterday and their edgelord is itching to get out. That makes my dick extremely hard.

An older, more experienced woman calling me a nigger better know what it means and mean it when she says it with vile and vitriol so that when I choke the fuck out of her we both know why.

3. Contrast: Why points one and two matter all come from her saying the most racist thing she could think of at the time. She didn't say it to be mean. She, in all her stupid innocence, just wanted to be edgy and press the boundaries not unlike a child reaching for fire.


Let me give you a little backstory. Not on this cute Mexican cunt but on my kink. Working at a restaurant as a busboy I heard one of the other black guys messing the with waitstaff. One of the girls was a small, mouselike creature who barely spoke but often smoked. As he continued his commentary she had had enough and said...

"STOP BEING A NIGGER," then walked into the dining area. Every one stopped. I went. Straight to the bathroom. Because my erection betrayed my race. I could show no one. I spent about two minutes panting internally and splashing water in my face before I went back out. It took me years to figure out why this moment made me so hard. In fact it was the second event in my life that asked of me a big question that I had to take time to unravel.

This is why this blog exists. For you. Understanding why you do what you do, who you are and what makes you tick is a freedom afforded to few. Let this be you. There is something to be said about ignorance being bliss. Knowing what I know of myself now increases the amount of time I do things that I want to do and having the reasons behind them. I am happy there are places that accept this.

Unfortunately bitchassness will always prevail. My friend Andrew Hill asked what snitching was today. This faggotry...



...does NOT make me want to jerk off.

*SPOILER ALERT*

Let's get down to brass tacks. This blog is about to get messy, real quick (no pun intended). Also

*SPOILER ALERT*

If you haven't played "The Last of Us" on either Playstation 3 or 4, you're doing yourself a great disservice. Also you should probably stop reading this post as it contains spoilers to the main plot. Here's another spoiler. I jerked off to it.

In the expansion game this scene occurs. While I wanted to jerk to it, I was up beating it and NOT my dick because I was drunk and #GameLivesMatter. However I wanted to then and there, I did later and here's why.


Why I Jerked to This

1. It's Brilliantly Written: The entire game is well written. The relationship between Ellie and Joel grew organically and these two are no different. I'm no a sapiosexual or whateverthefuck but the build up to this moment defined the expansion. The kiss, being the natural progression of the moment, topped the scene off fantastically.

2. *SPOILER ALERT* Youth is Sexy: Sue me. JK. Don't. You can't prove it was me. As you'll find out, a lot of my posts are about this subject. I'll keep this bullet point just a bullet... for now.

3. It's Two Girls. Nuff said. And most importantly...

4. Realism: I've been jerking off so long I've had to switch hands. In that I've found what truly matters in sex and it's Passion. Porn is terribly staged and makes my dick soft. You can't manufacture passion. Trust me. Two folks on an iPhone 4s 2MP front facing camera face fucking each others brains out, unaware and unconcerned with anything but their momentary carnal pleasures being fulfilled and the exploration of that and ONLY that... That is the essence of sex. While no sex occurs in this scene the realism of the moment was displayed brilliantly.


What will occur in these next few months will be disturbing, dark, real and gritty. To quote the illuminating gospel of Jay-Z, "This life ain't for everybody!"

Enjoy.

Things I Jerk Off To

Hi and welcome to Things I Jerk Off To. This is a collection of things I masturbate to. Enjoy.

Talking to my mom today she mentioned this video. Said I should watch it. "Lip Sync Battle" with a husband and wife. I kept drinking and ignored it. Then I watched. Then I wanted to jerk off.

It inspired me to write a description of things I jerk off to and why. So, here we are.